- 10/05 -
The world spins round and round, at the same speed every day. Sure doesn't feel like it though, huh :)
after 2 years in japan, i know just a little more about myself, and the world. im trying to write my own history, and understand my own puzzle pieces lately.
i stopped worrying about the future as much, and im trying to stop carrying the past with me as much (even if it feels good).
i explored most of tokyo, and travelled to some more places around japan. i really started repairing the relationship with my mother, and deepened the one with my best friend (now lover).
im trying to look after myself, that's all. tokyo isn't really that special, it's just a place that provides some more possibilities than others.
It's a little strange, because these Tokyo years begin and end on October. So the "real" year end happens a few months later. Wouldn't it be nice if it was all together hehe. Right now I'm sitting in the same bedroom I started in (albeit with a different layout), with dripping wet hair - in an attempt to
fix my fading red hair. I ran out of red hair, so I tried cyan blue (like my best friend!) but of course, it ended up sort of silky grey-brown. So now I'm testing purple on a strand, just to see if there's any real difference. If not, I guess I'll go to Donki and grab some red hair dye! (though not the kind with bleach. I accidentally used that like 4x in a row and destroyed my hair LOL.) Maybe I'll go partway through writing this! My older sister is calling me in an hour, so maybe It'd be good to go before then . . .
The biggest change this year is my best friend and I decided to be open about being fully in love with each other. And decided that in 3 years, through some mechanism, we would end up in the same country - no matter which one. Hold on let me get a tea and put moisturiser on. There's a new hazel and new thor vid. ALSO I just found out Mara the weird game youtuber talked about my best friend's game (which I wrote music for). like small world. i wont say my musician name.
whether we move to japan, switzerland (their homeworld), england (mine), germany (our paternal link), austria (idk) or some other country . . . it's clear that no matter where, we want to be holding hands together there. In november we're deciding for real. Personally I worry about living in Japan long term, on a health, queer rights, and work culture basis - as in they are all down the drain. but my best fennec friend hasn't lived abroad ever, so it probably has a drive to live here. i think no matter what happens it'll be okay though - and it's not forever either way.
another big change for me, was my change of blood tracker from finger pricking to an implant. this has been a consistent lifesaver - i try not to take it for granted. sadly i live with t1d as of ... 2 years ago. eheh. I got it a few months before coming to Japan actually. people were worried if i'd be okay. but i manage to roll! no matter where.
i got a job ! omg it's been 10 months since i started ... i teach english online. its really easy and fun, i enjoy it. there have been 2 irl meet-up events with the teachers, and both were highlights of the year hehe. actually, the job is the same company as my neighbour in this sharehouse. we both moved here days apart because our school at the time ran out of dorm spaces. i kept it a secret from him (that i was working at the same company) until he saw me at the event and freaked out. lol .
my favourite art this year:
xenogears, tokyo godfathers, tim rogers' writings, dokodemo issyo ps1, ffxiii, .hack series (all), naruto, one piece (first half), boogiepop, body keeps the score, crime and punishment, twikipedia-for the rest of your life, awesomecool-see what i see, takeshi kokubo-barcelona, desparate housewives, daria, rawtime, kaibutsu.
the two biggest event of the year were when I went back to england for 6 weeks in feb-march, and when my beloved came to visit in august.
during march, i confronted my family about our shared pasts, i travelled to the place i first lived alone, i travelled to my hometown, and to scotland to see my brother and close friend. each encounter faced me against some form of my past, and i remembered a lot. it hurts a lot, whenever i see people old to me. after i left, my mum left my house and lived alone. we both started therapy - and i'm still doing it. hey! 6 months of therapy i guess. hehe. oh i need to wash the dye out my hair. ok it worked a little but not enough - i'll get red hair dye after my call with my sister. therapy has been helping a lot, even though it takes a while. my therapist is a really open queer punk from the 80s, she's great. i'd like to think i've overcome a lot of my familial baggage. right now we're talking more about shame, and school. i'm trying to be more active/open at school, but it's hard. of course it's hard. (hahah). i started all this on a big trip to kansai, with some really close friends. i guess that's another thing, i made really nice friends this year. sadly almost all of them have left japan - the final one goes next month. when she leaves, i plan to move out. i can't live here any longer and repeat this cycle, even though its so sweet while it lasts.
i also took a little trip to schweiz to meet my lovers' friends. we went to a rave together. and i held my lover so gently. when they came to me in august, we held each other for even longer. we took a lil trip to kyuushu, and hiroshima. i loved this one cafe in hiroshima - i wont tell you where. but they held a little talk while we were there, and i ended up going. it was really nice, the community.
some other random stuff:
i kept a diary every day. a MOTHER1 hobonichi.
i ran 2 dnd campaigns with my friends.
kamakura+enoshima trip (i listened to the akfg album!)
it snowed the day i left schweiz
someone who knew me since i was 3 came to tokyo and we met. she forgave me.
i fell in love with 2 german guys who were travelling
i got lost on mt inari
comforting my friend in the rain as she broke up with her bf
discovering cafeworld
modelling in harajuku from an instagram request
dying of heatstroke on nokoshima w my fennec
beach day infront of a volcano
[the future]
so im trying to make new friends just kind of . . . out and about in the city. i messaged a .hack fan who lives here, since i got CRAZY into .hack this year. and i found a trans girl at nichome who asked me to compose for her film!!! and a vegan jewlerry maker at a work event... and a friend from school who just graduated - we went to a rave together and talked about working on a performance routine. so the future could be bright if i put in the effort to hold everyone's hands !!! also im writing an album about orange rust and im making a game about heaven and trains. maybe you'll know soon enough. i have maybe 1 more year before i have to work hard at school so i'm trying to put my personal stuff together before then hehe. maybe i'll read all of yugioh.
not much use for virtual anymore, huh? - haruko