- 3/25 -
I graduted my language school! Honestly it mostly sucked but it helped me get into my current school. And I did make at least 1 really nice friend.
Betwixt graduating and starting my new school, I travelled back to the UK for a little bit. I just wanted to see my friends and family mostly.
I went to the forests again. I really missed the forests around my hometown. Sadly my family moved house, so I couldn't see them again. But I did
walk with my brother inside a big English forest. Ah..... I made a friend in Japan who really loves nature, and she helped me appreciate it even more.
I had an important conversation with my mother. I wanted to be closer to her. My friend from Canada I stayed with back in Autumn had encouraged me
to try and open my heart to my mother more. That in order to have a good relationship I need to give her time. It's kind of too complicated for
a website like this, but . . . The conversation really helped and I feel more comfortable with her. I hope we can continue this trajectory.
- 3/30 -
In addition, I took a little plane hourney to Switzerland. Where my best friend lives. I miss them so much. We played Wii U games! And had a fight on
a mountain (I said it was a draw but I totally won). We drank a bunch of mate (you can't buy it in Japan). It was a weird little enclosed time capsule.
Their bedroom, night-time, weird games and mate. I want to go back.
I sent a message to an old old old friend from highschool when I returned to England. We had a falling out a long time ago and hadn't spoken in years.
Something about that meeting with my Canadian friend had inspired me to open my heart. To take the fate of my connections and relationships into my own hands.
My old friend was glad to hear from me. We called on Discord and started a new Stardew Valley save file. Everything will be okay in the end.
- 4/5 -
I returned to Japan. My orientation classes started. Actually, at this time 2 of my friends from England came to Japan on a trip! What a wonderful little time. I was surrounded
by all my loved ones from my past for a little time here :3 We drank in the park, travelled to Sky Tree, and had a long LONG conversation in a cafe underground.
- 4/9 -
I went to a punk show and the bassist took his clothes off and got his !@*? out. My neighbour friend invited me. He's really cool and popular in the TikTok way. Tattoos, green hair etc. He opened up his entire heart to me on a swingset at night time a few days after this. He left Japan later and we haven't talked since.
- 4/14 -
I started walking around my town at night time here. Waiting to feel something important. I think because in the previous months I'd encountered so many old faces and feelings and
tried to grow as a person a lot, it felt weird for that to suddenly stop once I returned to Japan. So I started going out at night asking the stars if there was something else for me.
When I look at my diary around this time, it becomes pretty clear I start getting depressed. Homesick too maybe.
- 4/19 -
I started SCHOOL OMFG SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. I have been waiting to go to school in Japan for years. Years and years....
I was lucky to make friends so quick.
I started going to the Skatepark with my friend from my sharehouse around here. Over and over again.
The fear of falling down the halfpipe really made it clear to me I have this fear. This fear of failure and rejection.
I'm really good at making grand plans and carrying them out (I'm here right now in Japan despite everything) but it seems that in the moment I falter.
This skatepark really helped me realise this. Sometimes I could try again and again despite my fear of pain, and sometimes I'd just stop at the top of the halfpipe afraid to commit.
I did eventually land a halfpipe. A man I don't know came and held my hand until I could do it properly. He was really kind.
But I haven't been able to even fall since then.
I stopped writing in my diary about this time. My negative feelings kept sinking lower, And I decided that writing every day about my bad thoughts wouldn't help at all.
I played Xenoblade Chronicles, FF4, and Galerians! I finished this manwha from my childhood called iD_Entity. I started waking up at 5/6AM to call my friend from Switzerland.